I feel so strange right now. So many thoughts are racing through my mind. I don't know why I am anymore. I just know I am. Existence seems to be unimportant and seems to consist of nothing. I know I have a reason for being, but what is that reason? Singing, Music -- who I am -- it's the way I feel, what I think.
It's who I am. But is that my real reason for being? I sometimes wonder why I was put on this Earth. Why there is such a thing as life and what made it so.
It is the same cycle, nothing ever changes. Life and death. Then there is the in-between. I am in-between. AT times I feel like I was never really born, I have just always been.
I want to be different. Who am I? I mean really? Oh, I know I am a girl with ambitions. My features are the same as everyone else has, only a different combination. I know how I feel and what I think. But what is my purpose? Is there a reason for that purpose? Do I make a difference? Is there really such a thing as God? I used to think there was. It was a whole feeling, but now I question that felling.
It's not that I am against the idea of a God, but if He really exists, who is He? Did I believe just because I needed something to believe in? I feel so empty right now, yet it can't really be explained as such. Sometimes when I am sitting quietly, little voices will run through my brain. I never know exactly what they are saying. They start out soft and end up quite loud. I have to shout "Stop!" so I won't hear them anymore.
What do they mean? Am I going crazy? I don't think so. Anxiety I suppose, or so I have read. I am a mass of cells --= a structure.
A mind. A body. What makes me tick? I have dreams, but I know that is not what makes me continue on. I am so afraid, but I don't know of what. My casual front is strong, but underneath I am tired, unhappy, frightened, and alone-- always alone.
I am surrounded by friends and family, but still, I am alone. Alone in my thinking. Alone in my soul. I am part of no one, and no one is a part of me. Belonging to one person. To be protected, and cherished.
Becoming one soul, yet remaining an individual. Lasting relationships - very scary. Maybe that person will find out who I really am and hurt me. But who am I, really? If I don't know how can anyone else? I'm not going through an identity crises. My feet are firmly planted in the ground. I just want to know my reason for life.
For existence. Where am I headed and why. Is there such a thing as eternity? Life after death? Or do we just die and that's the end. I don't know what or who to believe in.
What is real and what is not? Maybe I am simply a shadow of something in another place. What is truth? Truth is what you choose to believe. But my truth may not be yours, and therefore either one of us could be mistaken. What is real? Am I? But how do I know that I am real? Maybe I am an illusion in a game that is being played. I have been taught that what is real is tangible. Yet I am tangible, but am I real? Reality is a truth, yet reality is not a tangible item.
Everyone has their own concept of their own reality, or what they have been taught is real. But there again, it is someone else' truth. God is supposed to be real, and yet he is not tangible.
Does that not go against what I have been taught? Faith in God and people must be the only answer to these endless questions. I fell like a ship that has never sailed and is tied up. I want to see the world through my eyes, not someone else's.
I am pitted against something, but what is that something? Maybe I am pitted against myself. Copyright 1995.
Jaci Rae is a #1 Best Selling author of The Indie Guide to Music, Marketing and Money and Winning Points with the Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time. Book Jaci for your next show: and hit contact button for her publicist.